Trauma & Relational Trauma
When the past continues to shape how you feel in the present
Relational trauma can develop through repeated experiences within important relationships — particularly when connection has also been associated with fear, unpredictability, rejection, criticism, abandonment or emotional disconnection.
These experiences can continue to influence the way we relate to ourselves and others long after the original circumstances have changed.
Trauma can show up in unexpected ways
You may not necessarily think of yourself as traumatised.
Instead, you might notice that you:
- Become highly sensitive to changes in someone's behaviour
- Worry that people will leave or reject you
- Find uncertainty difficult
- Become overwhelmed during conflict
- Struggle to trust or feel safe in relationships
- Withdraw when emotions become intense
- Constantly scan for signs that something is wrong
- People-please or feel responsible for other people's emotions
- Experience persistent shame or self-criticism
- Know intellectually that you're safe, but don't always feel safe
These patterns are not necessarily evidence that something is wrong with you. Often, they make sense when understood in the context in which they developed.
Understanding relational trauma
We learn about ourselves and relationships through our earliest and most important connections.
Our experiences can shape expectations such as:
- Can I depend on other people?
- What happens when I have needs?
- Is conflict dangerous?
- Will people stay?
- Do I have to change myself to remain connected?
When important relationships have involved unpredictability, neglect, criticism, abandonment, abuse or emotional inconsistency, our nervous system can learn to remain alert to the possibility of these experiences happening again.
Later in life, something as subtle as a change in someone's tone, availability or behaviour can evoke a powerful emotional response.
The reaction is happening in the present, but sometimes what our mind and body are responding to has its roots in the past.
A compassionate approach to trauma
Rather than asking:
"Why can't I stop doing this?" or "What is wrong with me?"
we can become curious about:
"What has this response been trying to protect me from?"
When we approach our responses with curiosity, behaviours that once seemed irrational or self-defeating can begin to make sense as ways our mind and nervous system learned to create safety or protect us from experiences that once felt overwhelming.
Hypervigilance may be trying to prevent you from being caught off guard.
People-pleasing may be trying to preserve connection.
Withdrawal may be trying to prevent rejection.
Perfectionism may be trying to protect against criticism.
Emotional numbness may have developed when feeling everything became too overwhelming.
Rather than fighting against these responses, therapy can help us understand what they are protecting and gradually develop new ways of responding when those old protections are no longer needed.
How I work with trauma
My approach to trauma therapy is compassionate, collaborative and I go at the pace of your needs.
I work primarily with Internal Family Systems (IFS), alongside EMDR, somatic and polyvagal-informed approaches, and Compassion-Focused Therapy.
Our work may involve understanding protective patterns, developing a greater sense of safety within your nervous system, working with shame and self-criticism, and gently processing experiences that continue to affect you in the present.
Trauma therapy does not mean immediately revisiting the most painful things that have happened to you.
We work at a pace that feels manageable, with respect for the ways your mind and body have learned to protect you.
Online Trauma Therapy
Trauma and relational trauma therapy is available online across Australia via telehealth, with in-person appointments available on Mondays and Fridays in Billinudgel, Northern Rivers NSW
You don't need to know whether what you experienced was "bad enough" to be considered trauma.
If something from your past continues to affect how you feel about yourself, your relationships or your sense of safety in the present, we can begin there.